Will Eat This

Grapefruit and Tonic Drink

Drinks, MocktailsDecember 28, 2018December 27, 2018 Sinmi

Let’s redefine the meaning of a G and T! It shall henceforth be known as Grapefruit and Tonic.

The other day I was shopping and I found that the Fevertree Indian Tonic water was on sale. Thinking about the tonic water took me back to my childhood in Nigeria. Back in those days, when you go buy a crate of soda ,the seller would want to mix the variety of the 24 bottles. It would be split between the ever popular cola drinks, then the orange soda as well as lemon and lime ones. The most unpopular flavor was always tonic water.

A jar of grapefruit and thyme syrup behind a cup containing a drink made with the syrup and tonic water. A wedge of grapefruit sits on the edge of the glass cup.

Every party we held, the tonic water was always the last one to be consumed. A lot of people just could not stand the taste since it was just sugar laden like the other soda options. Eventually, someone desperate for a drink would grab the tonic water. The memory of the interesting flavor of the tonic water compelled me to buy a bottle of the Fevertree Indian Tonic. I figured I would eventually figure out how to use it. It was only while I was mixing myself a drink with the Grapefruit and Thyme Syrup that I realized that I should try the tonic.

Oh my goodness! It was so delicious; I knew I had to write down the recipe. So here is my non-alcoholic version of the G and T! This Grapefruit and Tonic drink is beyond words. It is not too sweet. It has the bitterness from the syrup but the freshness of the grapefruit juice. Of course, the subtle tingle of the tonic water and the grapefruit oil elevates the bubbles in this drink. The Grapefruit and Tonic is a mocktail for the adult palette.

Please let me know if you try it! Don’t forget to use #willeatthis when you post a picture on Instagram.

Grapefruit and Tonic Drink

Sinmi

G and T now mean Grapefruit and Tonic. Once you try this very delicious and refreshing mocktail, you would understand. The drink features the Grapefruit Thyme syrup.

Print Recipe Pin Recipe

Prep Time 5

Course Drinks

Servings 1 Drink

Ingredients

2 oz Grapefruit Juice
1.5 oz Grapefruit and Thyme Syrup
4 oz Tonic Water
1/2 Cup Cocktail Ice

Instructions

In a glass cup, add in the grapefruit juice. Also, pour in the grapefruit and thyme syrup. Stir
Add in the ice on top of syrup and juice mixture in the glass cup. Top it off with the tonic water.

Keyword Grapefruit, mocktail, nonalcoholic

Grapefruit and Thyme Syrup

Drinks, SyrupsDecember 27, 2018March 5, 2019 Sinmi

A closed jar filled with slices of pink grapefruit and sprigs of thyme in syrup against a white background

There are days when I get really frustrated and the way I communicate is by text to my dearest saying, “Today is a good day to drink.” I will usually get a response reminding me that I don’t drink alcohol and that it is not a good time to try. We laugh over it and I move on. Mostly, I get annoyed about my teetotal status when I dine out and my options are severely limited.

Alcohol is such a big part of many cultures. Due to the prominence of alcohol, it is so normal to see many alcoholic options on the menu. Even private functions often have varied options for alcoholic drinks. Non-alcoholic drinks tend to be very few with mostly soda. Many times I have gone for food-centric events that featured different kind of wines and beers but nothing for the non-drinker. Bartenders in their kindness would often offer me a cup of soda for free. Sometimes I am stuck drinking water because I just don’t want to drink soda.

Even when there are non-alcoholic menus at the restaurant, it tends to be designed more to suit the palette of a child. Hence, the ubiquitousness of Shirley Temple and other color heavy drinks with an overpowering presence of sugar. I don’t have anything against sugar. I just believe that it is possible to drink non-alcoholic drinks that are not overly reliant on sugar. There is a whole world of non-alcoholic drinks that can be created with complex flavor profiles.

One of my favorite ways to create complex flavors in drinks is to play with citrus. Citrus fruit like orange would feature a juicy center, white pith, and the skin/zest. Each part of the citrus has a different flavor that can be played up in a drink. The often sweet and acidic center is often the most used part of the citrus fruit. For me, I find that because I love bitterness as a flavor, the pith of the citrus fruit is valuable. The zest of the fruit often contains the oil as well as the scent of the fruit. Smell is a huge part of the experience of having a drink. By using the zest of citrus fruit in a drink, it is possible to greater sensual experience in a single drink.

This thought process is what inspires me to create drink mixes like this grapefruit thyme syrup. The use of the whole grapefruit in this recipe creates a balance of flavors without any harshness. The final taste of the drink can be manipulated by adding in other flavors and textures.

The easiest way to use this syrup is to mix it with sparkling water. By playing with the ratio of grapefruit thyme syrup to sparkling water, the flavor intensity of the drink can be manipulated. The syrup can also be used to add flavor to baked goods, either by soaking the baked goods or using it to make icing.

For something a bit more fun than just sparkling water, check out the Grapefruit and Tonic Drink.

Grapefruit Thyme Syrup

Sinmi

As a non-alcoholic drink mixer, this syrup celebrating the wholeness of the grapefruit. the syrup features a bitterness that allows the delicate flavor of the grapefruit to shine through.

Print Recipe Pin Recipe

Prep Time 10

Cook Time 5

Resting Time 12

Total Time 15

Course Drinks

Servings 10

Ingredients

2 Grapefruit
2 Cups Sugar
3 Sprigs Thyme leaves

Instructions

Rinse and cut the whole grapefruit into thin slice. Transfer into a jar with the thyme leaves
In a saucepan, add in 1 cup of water and the 2 cups of sugar. Bring the sugar solution to gentle simmer into the sugar crystals have melted. You now have syrup. Allow the syrup to cool to room temperature.
Pour the syrup over the grapefruit and thyme. Cover the grapefruit mixture with a tight lid. Place in a fridge for at least 12 hours. Preferably about 48 hours. This allows the grapefruit and thyme to infuse properly into the syrup.

Keyword Grapefruit, Grapefruit Thyme

This Body

FashionNovember 29, 2018 Sinmi

Wearing this black dress from Boohoo really tested my resolve to document my style journey. After many years of wishing and finding every reason why I couldn’t be a style blogger or lifestyle blogger, I finally told myself it was time. The primary obstacle had been my lack of body confidence. I just don’t know how to deal with my body. So, I avoided my body as much as possible.

That strategy of avoidance has worked until I realized it was the primary impediment to my happiness. So I decide to change my relationship with my body by taking more pictures of my body. This meant buying more clothes.

One hands on hip, side view of the midi black dress.

I recently bought some clothes from Boohoo because I got a great discount deal. I was a bit hesistant when I saw the clothes because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be show off my curves. I bought things that appeared to be on the more modest spectrum of Boohoo. I loved this black dress in particular because of its length. It also has non-functional gold buttons down the front, giving it an interesting detail. I figured it would be a good staple closet item for the winter. Items arrived, I tried it on and it was okay.

I have on a leopard print scarf on a black midi length dress with gold faux buttons down the front.

Picture day with the black faux button down dress happened…and it freaking sent me into an emotional meltdown. I just did not like how sexy my body looked. I kept saying, “I don’t want to be a porn star.” Yes, I can be a bit melodramatic. Sue me! However, when the moment passed and I started looking over the picture again, I realized that I was having a reaction because I saw my body. I wasn’t in a baggy sweater and pants. The dress showed off my shape in all its glory. There is nothing wrong with that.

A leopard print scarf is wrapped loosely around my shoulder over a black faux button down dress with gold buttons

After having this moment with this black dress, I am sure I am going to have so much fun layering it for the winter. Because it fits so well, I am excited to layer it with chunky sweaters and bulky scarfs. To me, there is nothing as beautiful as playing with texture and fit in my outfit.

Changing Time

FashionNovember 12, 2018 Sinmi

A red Moto Jacket from Old Navy has become a key piece in my wardrobe as I transition from fall to winter.

I finally got around to changing my wardrobe this past weekend. Slowly as always, I am changing out my summer clothes for the winter ones. Maybe it is the optimist in me. I am hoping for just one more day of warmth when I can sit outside and feel the rays of the sun of my skin. Alas, I have had to come to terms with reality. I have been stuck in a jacket or a cardigan for a while now. I just had to let go.

Nothing like a direct look to make me feel like I am a boss. The gray pullover is a basic HM piece from at least a couple of winters ago.

My fall/winter wardrobe is something that I have been actively working to build. I am not a big shopper and I try to stay away from looking at my body. This year, for some reasons, I feel like it is time for my body and I to call a truce. A big part of the truce is honoring my body by giving it an opportunity to shine. Hence, the active process of building a wardrobe that actually works for me.

The zipper on the cuffs makes this ideal for wearing sweaters under it. It also gives the jacket some rich detail.

A key piece for these past few weeks of chill has been this red Moto Jacket that I bought from Old Navy. I love a good sale and when I had an opportunity to get this at a discount, I just couldn’t resist. The deep red color reminds me of all the burgundy red lipsticks I have hoarded in my stash. There just something about this color that makes me feel like I am glowing.

This animal print scarf is available from Primark. I just love how cosy it feels as a winter layer.

I am looking forward to discovering more clothes that make me happy. This feels so weird because I feel like a new part of me is emerging. I have a deep love of fashion and I have always felt like I have style. So maybe it is not so much that a new part is being born as it is that I am going through a process of reclamation.

There is nothing that feels my soul at the moment as much as knowing that I am fearlessly taking back who I am. There is a lot going on with me at the moment and it just feels so good.

Health as Shame

Lifestyle, UncategorizedSeptember 10, 2018 Sinmi

A picture of a black woman looking directly at the camera

The first time I had a negative thought about my body was around the age of 10. By the time I was thirteen, I was already skipping meals to be skinny. By the time I was fifteen, I took pride in not eating for days. At 31, I find myself still battling my body image. I have spent two decades of my life battling my body. I am always too fat.

Finally, I have reached a point where I realize that the problem is not my body. The problem is the way I have been socialized to look at my body. It has been ingrained in me for so long that in order to be beautiful, I had to skinny. Not just any kind of skinny though. I had to be the kind of skinny that was still voluptuous. You know the kind of women’s body I am talking about. The big boobs, big ass, small waist, flat tummy and just the right amount of neck skinny. Oh! I almost forgot to add that you must also have that space between your thighs. Thinking about it know, I feel like the ideal woman’s body is like the specs for a car or a machine. It is not human. It is not real.

After another attempt at dieting to shrink my body and the inevitable mental health deterioration that accompanied it, I am putting in my resignation letter. I am not interested in dieting anymore. I am not interested in restriction anymore. For those who feel the need to talk to me about health, please don’t.

I have found that the conversation about health is often a euphemistic discussion on shame. How can a woman who does not have the criteria listed in the ideal female body specs not have shame? I have to admit that this shame is not reserved for the fat. In many ways, it extends to skinny women as well. How many times have we publicly discussed a woman’s body because she looks like she doesn’t eat.

We have begun to talk about shame much in the same way we talk about sex. We don’t talk directly about it but we do talk about it in other ways. Just like we judge women for the number of men they have sex with, we judge women for the amount of food they are eating. And the problem is that we never allow women to be right. Whoa! You have only dated one guy. A woman should never have sex with more guys than she can count on one finger. Just like a woman should never eat more than salad on a date. A woman must never talk about having a libido just like a woman must never talk about her love of food.

Of course, there are exception to every rule. In the health world, a woman can talk about her love of food as long as she meets the specs. A woman like Giada De Laurentis or Nigella Lawson can talk about food because they meet the specs. Every other woman must respect her “health” and avoid food like the plague.

Clean eating has become akin to pursuing new virginity. Sugar is universally reviled. Fat is still the demon. Unless you are on the ketogenic diet, in which case you worship at the altar of fat. The point is that diets have become a way of capitalizing on our shame. Just follow these few rules, and you will feel superior to all others. If you fall off the wagon, shame on you. You just need to try harder. Just think of how much better you would feel at 110 pounds in that bikini. Nobody ever says anything about how sad it feels not to be able to eat full-fat ice-cream.

Please, give me a moment here while I talk about how much I hate diet foods. I particularly detest the new generation of diet food like 50 calories a pint ice-cream that taste absolutely nothing like ice cream. Between diet books, diet foods, cult workout plans, the waist trainers and the detox teas, our culture of shame has spurned a whole industry that churns out millionaires by burning through our wallets.

After thinking critically about it, I have decided that I no longer want to be part of this cult. I have no more money to give to anything new diet ideas. There is no more time to contemplate if I should try the Whole 30 or keto my life. I am in transition out of this cycle of shame, disappointment, and self-destruction.

I recognize that I have let food become a way of constantly shaming myself.

Don’t get me wrong; I still have lots of shame that I have to work through. The big difference between me of today and me of yesterday is that I recognize that I have let food become a way of continually shaming myself. I acknowledge that I have become a hateful critic of my own body. If I am sincere, sometimes I project my own shame to other people.

The work that lies ahead for me is to learn to silence the shame. I have started doing for myself in small ways. I am eating the foods that I find interesting instead focusing on restriction as the path the health. Part of recognizing the shameful way I have been relating with food is being able to call out myself when I am using food as a mechanism to get out of boredom or soothe anxiety. This work is tasking. However, I accept the tasking nature because it is never going to be easy to dismantle decades worth of shame and process.

As I get through my transition though, I don’t know what the other side of the shame-filled diet culture looks like or feels. I know that there has to be a better way than loathing my own body.

Power of Representation

LifestyleSeptember 3, 2018 Sinmi

In the current climate we live in, I find myself having political conversations all the time. The recent conversations revolve around representation. I am lucky that I live in Massachusetts where the politics is reliably liberal. However, just because the politics are progressive does not mean we still don’t disagree.

I found myself having a conversation about knowing your elected representative the other day with a lovely white couple. Yes, this conversation involved race. You see, at some point, we started talking about the Capuano/Pressley race for US House of Representatives. For those who don’t know, Mike Capuano is the incumbent Democrat Rep for Massachusetts Congressional District 7. He has held that seat for five years. He is a reliably progressive voice. By all metrics that we use to judge our representative, Capuano has not failed a single test. Oh! And Capuano is a white man.Capuano is being challenged by Ayanna Pressley. Ms. Pressley is an African American woman who serves on the Boston City Council.

When I was having this conversation with the couple, they were like but the positions are identical, and Capuano has seniority. That is a valid argument. But, my view on the Capuano/Pressley comes down to the power of representation. There is power in being represented by someone who can authentically speak to your life experience. Capuano might have a progressive voting record but he certainly does not understand what it means to be a minority living in Boston.

Representation: There is power in being represented by someone who can authentically speak to your life experience

I am not going to go into the trial and tribulations of being black in Boston, but it is a lot. It is an experience that only can be understood once you have lived it. Pressley, as an African American woman living in Boston, represents something that Capuano never will. Given how infrequently Black female candidates get the momentum needed to take them into office, I like to champion viable options like Pressley.

Alas, as I researched my primary ballot, I realized that I am not eligible to vote for Pressley because I don’t live in her congressional district. It was also glaring clear looking at my ballot that diversity is still a huge issue for the Massachussetts delegation. My ballot is overwhelming male speckled with some color.

I really don’t feel like I can complain about being under represented on the ballot. I know that until people like me, an ordinary everyday citizen, begin to participate in politics, we can’t complain. If I want my experiences to be seen and heard, then I have to step up and speak.

I’ll be voting on September 4th 2018 during the Massachusetts Primary Election. General Elections are scheduled for Tuesday, November 6th 2018.

The $100 Kitchen Essential List

Build a Better Kitchen, FoodSeptember 1, 2018 Sinmi

setting up a kitchen is one of the fastest ways to feel like you are home.

This morning as I stood in my kitchen using my mixer to make a batch of cookies, I started thinking about how far I have come. I had none of the kitchen essentials, and I did not know where to start. My life has unquestionably gotten much better than when I first moved back to the US five years ago.

It is not easy moving your whole life in two suitcases and a hand luggage. Especially when you are moving from Ibadan in Nigeria to Boston, Massachusetts. When I arrived I did not own any kitchen gadgets, I slowly had to buy everything that I needed to set myself up and get cooking.

I guess I am feeling a bit nostalgic because September 1st is Moving Day in Boston. People change apartments, and others get an apartment for the first time. If you are a young person, who is in college or just starting out in life or even just short on money, it is not exactly easy to go to a store and buy a whole new kitchen in one go. But, if you are financially conscious or you love cooking or both, setting up a kitchen is one of the fastest ways to feel like you are home.

Hundred Dollar Kitchen Essentials list featuring sharp knife, frying pan, cooking spoon, plates, cups/mugs, cutlery, kitchen towel, chopping board, pot, mixing bowl, blender

Knowing this, I wanted to help by creating a list of things to make the kitchen set-up process easy. I was looking at my kitchen things and asking myself what are the absolute essentials that I use a lot. Then I thought about the places that I buy kitchen stuff for on the cheap. After much thought and consideration, these are the essential things that every kitchen needs for cheap.

I think a hundred dollars is a generous budget for an initial kitchen equipment shopping. However, I also know that a hundred dollars can be a lot of money. If you have to prioritize the list, focus on the few items then work your way down the list.

A good sharp knife is something I highly recommend you splurge on from the get-go. Knives are such a big part of the kitchen experience. Plus a good knife saves you from cuts in the kitchen. My preferred knife is an OXO Santoku Knife. It is relatively good quality for a decent price. When I checked on Amazon, it was less than fifteen dollars.

Plates are an absolute must. I would actually suggest buying bowls, to begin with. These are the ultimate multitaskers. You can have a soup in a bowl or your morning bowl of cereals. You can also have a salad or some grains. But you can’t do all that with a plate. A good and absolutely cheap place to get plates and bowls is the local dollar store. While you are there, browse the aisles and get yourself some cutlery. My local dollar store also does an amazing job of stocking cooking spoons, cups, and mugs. Just note that if you have to choose between a cup or a mug, pick a mug. Always choose items that can multitask.

Something else that is a must when you first get a kitchen is a good frying pan. When I am buying my first frying pan for a new space, I always buy an all metal one. This because an all-metal frying pan can work on the stove top and in the oven. So, before I owned baking trays and pan, I used to bake my chicken and my cakes in my frying pan.

The other hack I had for my kitchen was my Pyrex glass mixing bowl. It used to be the thing I baked my bread in for a long time. You can also do a yummy pasta bake in Pyrex glassware. Contrary to your imagination, Pyrex bowls can be affordable if you know where to look. An excellent place to buy pyrex bowls is Walmart. They sell them as individual pieces.

If you are looking at my list and thinking that I have gone insane adding a blender to the shopping list, let me defend my process. Looking for a fancy blender? There is plenty on the market for you. If you are on a budget, there are plenty of options too. Oster makes these fantastic 5 Speed blenders in the under 20 dollar range. I actually found one for 16.99 dollars at Target when I was writing this post. I used one of this 5 Speed Oster blender heavily, for a couple of years. You have to make sure you do your research before buying. To be honest, between Walmart, Target, Amazon and Best Buy, one of those stores absolutely will have it on a rock-bottom sale price.

By the time you are done buying the essentials, you should be able to start making decent meals in your kitchen. As you explore more recipes and settle into your new home, you will find yourself acquiring the things you feel you need. I have one ask of you. Please don’t buy that equipment that only does one thing like juice a lemon. Prioritize buying things that multitask.

The Problem With Self-Care

Lifestyle, UncategorizedJuly 30, 2018 Sinmi

I am a big proponent of self-care. For me,self-care is an affirmation that my needs are valid. However, self-care is now big business in the consumerist culture that as American as apple pie. The big business of self-care is one that I find both intriguing and appalling. The problem with self-care business is that everyone is not allowed to care for themselves.

This whole thought about self-care as a business came about because the New York Times Magazine published a profile called ” The Big Business of Being Gwyneth Paltrow.” As the title implies, the article explores the ascendant of Ms. Paltrow as a purveyor of self-care via her Goop brand. Reading this article made me think about my college days when she first started pushing her newsletter out to the masses. There is a recipe I got from her that is still one of my favorite recipes. It is a plain apple and broccoli soup that is finished with lots of lemon juice. It is very similar to this recipe I found on the Goop blog for broccoli and arugula soup.

Anyway, let get back to the point of I was trying to make. Following the writer’s story about the trajectory of Ms. Paltrow’s brand as well as the rise of the self-care industry was interesting to me. One of the things that I love about the growth of self-care as an acceptable form of self-love is that it has empowered women to demand time for themselves. Time to read. Time to sleep. Time to do yoga. However, the rise of self-care as an industry as also meant that many underprivileged people are left feeling like they are failing at life.

One of the things that Ms. Paltrow talks about in the profile is how crucial it is for her to create an aspirational brand. A brand that is based on utilizing her privileged access to wealth that allows her to be able to create the kind of self-care she wants. While I do not begrudge her her privilege, I find it a bit naive not to have a conversation about how many women are not allowed to care for themselves properly. Forget about money because money is a huge barrier that I can’t possibly talk about all the ways it harms the underprivileged. Even when we do have the funds to create opportunities for ourselves, many women, especially black women are not allowed to care for themselves.

As a black plus size woman, one of my problems with self-care is the feeling of being unheard and unwelcome when I want to care for myself. One of the radical acts of self-care that I have done in the past few months is seeking help with my body. I went to the doctor, and I felt unheard and misunderstood. It was like everything I said boiled down to one thing; weight loss. I feel tired begat a lose the weight response. I am gaining weight at an unprecedented rate begat a eat less comment. Knowing I have a past eating disorder begat a sign up for weight loss clinic from my doctor. Through all of the emotional trauma of feeling as if my doctor intentionally did not want to acknowledge my mental health as a legitimate part of my well-being, I kept caring for myself by demanding a proper diagnosis and appropriate help.

Then I sign up for the gym, and I feel like my plus size body is being judged. One of the most uncomfortable parts of going to the gym for is the judgment. I can’t complain about the quality of service. Since I am fat, I can’t possibly understand how gyms work. I remember one time I went to use a treadmill at the gym and realized that the speed off. I couldn’t complain because it would have turned into “you are out of shape” instead of looking at the machine. This was despite the fact that, at that point, I had consistently been running for years so I knew what my body could or could not do. So fatphobia is another way that I am being denied full access to self-care.

As a black woman, I am treated with suspicion when I go into self-care service providers like nail salon. One manicurist refused to paint my nails until I had paid her. No one else had to pre-pay before getting nail color applied. One of my favorite things to do is to grocery shop. I love looking at new foods on the shelves and thinking about ways to use them. Even that has gotten ruined because I noticed that I was being followed at grocery stores. Apparently, I am not the right demographics for this particular store chain. Interestingly, I walk into stores, and I am not acknowledged because again not the right demographic. So even when I choose to self-care, the trauma that is inflicted on me in the process compounds the burden I am trying to offload.

I have tried to negate some of the problems with self-care. I now choose to self-care in ways that are centered around my safe space. I still like to explore new foods by reading food blogs and shopping online. My choice to learn how to sew and make my clothes has turned making into a form of meditation for me. I have also started exploring ways that I can bring yoga into my house. I am a big fan of Yoga With Adriene. This means I am constantly looking for ways to create a yoga space in my apartment for private practice.

While I sometimes wish that I could go into cool spaces and be at ease enough to enjoy the experience, I can’t take chances. Instead of giving up on caring for myself, I am centering my self-care practice in my safe space. I am also excited that more women of colors and plus-size women are creating experiences for my demographic because of the trauma that comes from the general population.

Choosing Sobriety

LifestyleJuly 23, 2018 Sinmi

The word ‘sober’ and I have an interesting relationship. Sobriety, it seems to me, is an after effect of a bout of alcoholism or substance abuse. What then do you call someone who has never drunk alcohol or battled other forms of substance abuse?

I started thinking about this recently because I was reading a thread on Reddit about sobriety. The thread was from someone who had never drunk alcohol because they felt that they were predisposed to alcoholic through family history. Many commenters challenged this position saying that “How can you know if you have never tried it?” This had me thinking about my own relationship with alcohol.

At 31, I have never had a drink of alcohol. When people ask me why I don’t drink, I often point to my Muslim faith as my reason. However, I feel like for me that is sort of cop-out from telling people my story. The truth is I don’t drink because one of the things I learned really early about eating disorders is the co-relation to substance abuse.

I can trace back my eating disorder to the age of thirteen while living in Lagos. Thinking back now, I truly started recovering from my eating disorder in
my twenties. Of course, in my teens, I had moments when the eating disorder released it grips on me. Then, I would have a relapse. It was both an emotional and physical rollercoaster. It was in my late twenties when I really got to a place mentally that I could break that cycle and really focus on nourishing my body.

During this whole eating disorder battle, I chose not to drink because I realized instinctively that if I drank, I had the pre-conditions in place to become an addict. Why? Part of my deep struggle with my eating disorder included depression. There were times when I felt so low that I would have given anything not to feel that way. I would have turned to alcohol or any other substance to help fill the void of feeling lonely and dejected. Even when I wanted to escape feeling lost, I knew I wanted to do in a way that led me to health. I did not one to trade one struggle for another.

I choose to be sober because I recognize that part of living a healthy life means feeling pain. There are days when I feel so low now and I sit with my pain. I name my pain and sit with it. Part of my process includes nurturing my body, my mind, and spirit. By embracing my pain, I embrace my humanity.

Certainly, many people might challenge the choice for me to say I am sober. I can also confirm a level of awkwardness that comes with using the word ‘sober’ to describe myself. However, it is clear to me that I need to stop dismissing my conscious choice not to drink alcohol or abuse substances. While many people can make the decision to imbibe and have a good relationship with alcohol, recognizing the potential pitfall in making such a choice is worthy of acknowledgment on my part.

Small Wins

Lifestyle, UncategorizedJuly 16, 2018 Sinmi

This weekend was amazing. Last week was a rough week for me. Between so many microaggressions and getting stuck in traffic on Friday, I was ready for the week to be over. Then Saturday happened, and I felt slightly better about the whole week.

A few years ago, when I first moved to Boston, I remember telling someone that I wanted to get to a point where I could have friends over for a meal. I had never had that before. I am sure when I was thinking about this five years ago I meant having my apartment and all.

The fact of the matter is that I don’t live in an apartment by myself. I share an apartment with five other girls. Luckily, our apartment is on two floors with many rooms, so it does not even feel like there are that many people living here on most days. I also appreciate being able to have conversations with people when I am home.

This weekend, I finally got to invite a friend over for lunch/dinner. I cooked a rather simple meal (simple for me), and we parked ourselves on the balcony for a long conversation. Molly is a friend that I used to work with, and it is always good to catch up. Later after she left, I realized that the lunch with her in my apartment was a dream come true moment for me.

Many times I get so caught up in my “failures.” Recently, it has been about not setting my financial life up correctly, not having a career, feeling as if I am getting left behind by others my age. I feel like I am not where I should be at this stage in life. My mother likes to remind me that I am accomplished in my own right. Even when I fail to see that, I remember the words of my parents telling me how proud they are of me and my successes in life.

Being able to see this small win this week is big for me. It has allowed me to refocus my energy from a place of disappointment to a place of gratitude. This shift is special because there so many small things happening at the moment that have the potential to change my big picture. It is only when I take a step back and take them in that I can see the progress I am making in life.

Life is never really about just making it one day. No matter how talented one is, any form of success is usually a culmination of small moments. Hosting a friend for lunch this week was my small moment of success. I am grateful for it. I am glad that I am present enough to see it.

And I am ready for more.